-There's a much more important reason, anyways.
- What? -she said at the same time she stopped making food.
- … - And I was trying to find the right words… and the courage to say it out loud. I was thinking so hard (or so weakly), that I didn't realized the time was passing, until she spoke.
-He's a boy. -I don't remember the tone; I don't want to remember either.
I nodded in response. Yes, I nodded. Was it so difficult to just say a simple yes? It was, yes, so damn hard.
-So? -She asked in disbelieve. - You don't like boys? -Now smiling, I don't know if she thought I was kidding or it's just a way of surprise.
I denied with my head, again. And, really, I was amazed I was able to do that. I was so petrified…
-You like women? -she asked, to make sure, even when it's pretty obvious. It was hard on her too I guess.
Again, I nodded.
She stared at me, for a while, now completely aware of time (too much I think), and then she kept making food.
Said nothing.
- Are you serious? -She asked, looking at me. Of course, I just nodded again.
- Don't tell me…-She said, now completely in disbelieve. She was saying "No" to the food with her head. That could have been funny, if it were another situation.
She was quite for a while. And that was killing me, like poison that you know you have inside, but can do nothing about it.
Did I have poison inside? Was it poison damn it?
It was late already, like 11 p.m. We were at the living room making some food for dinner, because that place was much more comfortable than the kitchen. We were talking about him, about "the scandal" that, of course, wasn't true. When she told what she thought about it, and about him, I knew it: I knew it was there that I had to tell her. And it took me a long time to decide it, but, of course, when I did take the decision, my aunt came in. She left, my grandfather, came in. He left, my uncle, came in. Maybe I just shouldn't tell her… I started to think. But I knew I had too. So I did. Sort of…
Really, there are things, like the following things she said, that I just don't remember, or don't remember when she said them. Maybe it was before, maybe after.
So, I'll just write them down in a way that makes sense. Or not.
What I do remember about this part is that she started to talk, I don't know about what exactly.
At some point, she said, that she'd rather it to be different. That it was rather normal for teenagers to feel this way and to even be sure of it. Now, how does that help me? Huh? It doesn't. At all. It took me like a whole year, and more, to make the decision. To be sure of it. And she comes and tells me that I'm confused? Damn…
Then she asked me how was I sure about it? Have I had a girlfriend already? No, mum, I haven't. Then How? How are you sure?
Do I have to tell you, mother? Do I? You know, mom. You notice it.
Then she told me about a woman that works in the radio who thought was lesbian, but, of course, she wasn't she just didn't wanted husbands in the bed. Oh, yes, husbands, she's been in several divorces.
- That's why you watch so much that transvestite, then. -She said. It wasn't a question, but she wanted some sort of answer from me.
- She's not a transvestite. She's just…- Lesbian, mom. Ellen's just lesbian. But I wasn't going to say that to her. Actually I couldn't say lesbian. I hate that word… but it's so beautiful.
-Gay. –And she was looking me right in the eye… was she insulting me? Was she trying to hurt me? My own mother? Was she testing me, maybe?
I don't know. Maybe I'll just never know. That's my mother, so confusing.
Then she said that it'd be better for me if I don't say anything about it. Because people’s going to discriminate me. That I didn't need to say or tell anyone. She said that my first mistake was to tell my friends. My friends!
-Honestly, I'd prefer if it wasn't this way.
Oh, just keep your honesty to your self, mother.
- But, well. –She said. -Just don't even think to go kissing a girl in public, the only thing that I need.
She didn't looked at me, ended the whatever-fucking-horrible food she was making. Left it on the plate, looked at me, and left the room.
I don't know if I was pale or red. Maybe pale. But I remember how all my muscles suddenly relaxed, and I almost throw my self to the wall, I haven't realized how tense I've been the whole time, and I took a deep breath and let it out. And again. I didn't thought she was coming back for a time, and neither anybody else, hopefully, after all… that's what happens in the movies.
I drank my Apple Cepita (I would have drank something else, but first there was none, and second I had enough with the coming out thing already)
And for like 10 minutes I was alone. Which was good. But, I ended my Apple Cepita.
I had to throw it away.
The kitchen. This was the moment. My mother was there with grandmother I believe, I mean she was talking to someone. So I managed to walk without tripping, and I asked for the garbage bag, and when I was finishing the question I realized that there was a garbage bag mum was using while she made dinner. In the living-room.
Fuck.
- Use the one I was using.-
- Yeah, right. I… forgot.- I answered while leaving the kitchen. Not running because my legs, my arms, my everything really, was dumb. I was flushing red then for sure. To go and ask for the garbage bag, when it was where I’ve been all the time??… Crap, that’s smart.
Now what? Well, avoid her of course. How is it gonna be like now?
God… does she hate me? Is this worth it? What if she’s embarrassed of me? What if she lies about me? What if she can’t look at me in the eyes no more? All this answers are much more real now that they are a moment afar, just a moment of being… Before they just didn’t feel… possible, close.
Of course it’s worth it… Lying to her, it’s like lying to my self, and I AM NOT ashamed of who I am. There’s no reason for it.
But she’s mama… what if mother feels guilty? What if mother doesn’t love me anymore? Worse: what if she says she loves me “anyways”, yet being oblivious to it?
Well. I was in so deep thoughts, I merely knew what I was doing. I moved by reflex, talked in reflex. I reacted to. And I was totally focused in mother’s moves. Even when she was behind me.
We sat outside: it was a lovely night. Windy, clear, and in family, isn’t that just grooving?
Mother finished bringing the food to us with aunt, and she sat beside me. I just didn’t know what to do. I was extremely uncomfortable. Luckily I didn’t dropped anything, but I was really hard, I had to be very careful.
And she smiled to me. And she hugged me.
That was even more uncomfortable.
That was awful.
Wh--… What the fuck is she doing? Hugs me?? What the fuck…?
Allright. Maybe she did mean it. Maybe she was trying to tell it was alright. But it felt like such a “I forgive you”. And fake. It was so cold... Allright, allright.
A little paranoid… Maybe.
Still, that was such a long time ago. Now things are different. Although we do not talk about it.
It’s not so tense… it’s lighter.
But no one else knows. I’m talking about the family.
Yet, it’s not like I try to pretend or to hide it. Not at all. If they don’t have doubts about it, they’re a lost case.
But regarding to me, I’ve come to live at peace with it. With me. 
.
.:
Shoujo Kakumei Utena.
Animes luchando en escuelas-prisiones, por sus ideales. Y por una chica.
XD
"Esta rosa... por tus ideales"
Skins.
Adolescentes britanicos en su día a día, con problemas y situaciones de adolescentes...
.·:·.
"Si que hay que luchar,
luchar es educar."
Mägo de Oz -El que quiera entender, que entienda.-
¨
